Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs is the epitome of celluloid crap. A movie that is so safe, so creatively impotent and inherently lame that it is certain to be a product of stockholder movie-making.

We pick up where we were last left off with this dreadful cast of prehistoric bores. The same focus-tested and downright unpleasant characters from the last two films are back, and are as irritating and depressing as ever.

Ray Romano manages to be even more of a downer than his sitcom counterpart as the “hero” in this animated family feature. Queen Latifah resumes her role as mastodon Raymond’s lover, the only female character with a speaking role. Unfortunately she never has anything interesting to say but an occasional sassy quip, rendering the character more of a 21st Century mammy than leading lady. Dennis Leary is back as the crestfallen sabertooth who is the movie’s security force. Anytime the other pathetic characters are threatened by temperamental toons, Leary’s cat sweeps in to save the day. This is the full extent of the character. Sulk. Rescue. Sulk. Rescue. Wash, rinse, repeat.

The list of useless, disposable characters goes on. How could I forget the creepy pedo-sloth voiced by career movie pest John Leguizamo. Don’t forget the two weasel brothers, whose lines are always bookended by exclamations of “Dude!”, “Awesome!”, and “Totally!” You know, stuff that cartoon characters said 17 years ago. Ninja Turtles don’t even talk like this anymore.

And as if this series didn’t have enough characters, they added another furry tuft of dread to the stuffed animal heap. I can see the CEO of Fox sitting in on the story meetings: “Could we work in Johnny Depp’s character from the pirate pictures?” They couldn’t afford Jack Sparrow so they settled on Shaun of the Dead. Simon Pegg lends his voice to the casts third weasel character: a mad frontiersman who leads the other characters through the movies mundane “save our friend that we really don’t even like that much” plot. This character reaches new heights of being annoyingly in your face: anytime Pegg’s character says anything that’s supposed to be funny or important, the camera crash zooms in on his ugly one-eyed mug.

I don’t mention the names of the characters in this movie because I don’t remember them. Characters from Pixar movies (and occasionally Dreamworks) stick with you. You remember their charm, quirks and names. The only memorable character in the Ice Age universe is Scrat, a saber-toothed squirrel whose life ambition revolves around catching a stray acorn.


As in the past two movies, his dialogue free screen time is limited to vignettes here and there that proceed when the writers hit a brick wall. Scrat is relatable and actually, ahem…funny. A character that channels the sadness of Chaplin and the slapstick grace of Buster Keaton.

Scrat’s misadventures clearly display that the talents behind Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs are capable of crafting an endearing and thoroughly enjoyable movie experience, if only the stockholders allowed them.